


The Deepest Part of the Eternal Dream

by stvrmxra



Category: TOMORROW X TOGETHER | TXT (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Yeonbin, yeonbin gay asf and no one can tell me different
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-28
Updated: 2020-11-28
Packaged: 2021-03-10 04:48:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,994
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27748519
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stvrmxra/pseuds/stvrmxra
Summary: The stress of their biggest comeback yet gets to Soobin, and Yeonjun helps him through it.-TW: anxiety attacks!!!
Relationships: Choi Soobin/Choi Yeonjun
Comments: 2
Kudos: 113





	The Deepest Part of the Eternal Dream

**Author's Note:**

> **trigger warning: anxiety attacks!! don't read if you don't think you can handle it!!!**  
>  \----
> 
> I'm back with my first txt fic!! i've been obsessed with txt for a while now and thought it was time I wrote about them, so here you go! I'll also be posting this on my instagram @luvakaashi so feel free to check that out and follow me!
> 
> Hope you guys like it and don't think its _too_ angsty lol

“Soobin-hyung, your foot’s a bit too far to the left again.”

The blue-haired boy looks down at his feet and adjusts accordingly, murmuring an apology with a grimace. They’ve been practicing for hours now, learning this choreography for weeks, and Soobin makes the same mistakes every day. His foot is too far to the left, his slide is a little too slow, he’s a little out of sync with everyone else; it’s almost like Soobin physically can’t correct himself, no matter how many times his friends and his own brain remind him. 

Soobin knew the day was going to be bad the second he woke up with a pounding headache and sore limbs. He had gone to sleep at an unholy hour in the morning because he was dealing with comeback matters, and it felt like he had merely shut his eyes when he was being woken up by Beomgyu for dance practice. 

As it is their biggest comeback yet, Soobin has a lot more leadership responsibilities this time around than with the past comebacks. Not only does he have too short a timespan for the workload he was given, but the choreographies are complicated and hard for Soobin to get right. Soobin despises the looks of stifled annoyance on the faces of his group mates when he messes up the same move, and it feels like no matter how hard he tries, he can’t turn those looks into ones of pride.

Soobin has had a knot in his stomach for weeks, and with every wrong move, every mistake, every flash of irritation in the eyes of his friends, the knot gets the slightest bit tighter. 

And he doesn’t know what will happen when the knot becomes too taut. 

The last chords of their lead single tumble through the speakers, and the thick silence left behind is heard over the sounds of the boy's heavy breathing. There’s tension filling the room, and Soobin feels his shoulders stiffen as he looks at his members. 

Beomgyu and Taehyun stand with their hands on their hips, chests rising and falling rapidly as their eyes find the floor. Hueningkai puts his hands on his knees to try and hide how hard he’s breathing while Yeonjun stands with his arms crossed over his head, looking more like he just woke up than danced for hours on end. 

Soobin straightens, ignoring the shake in his legs as he turns to the stereo to reset the song. Yeonjun meets his eyes as he turns, but Soobin looks away before putting on what should be a reassuring smile. 

“Let’s go again,” Soobin says, returning to the center of the room. He hopes he sounds more enthusiastic than he feels when he adds, “I think we can get it perfect this time.”

Beomgyu and Taehyun share a look, and the knot in Soobins stomach tightens. “Hyung,” Taehyun says, looking to his leader. “We need a break.” 

Soobin doesn’t want to deny this request—even he wants to take a break—but something in Taehyun’s voice stops him from immediately relenting. A little annoyance and a hint of anger that has Soobin’s fingers flexing. He holds his hopefully lighthearted smile on his face when he says, “Lets just go one more time.”

Beomgyu shakes his head, his damp black curls bouncing as he straightens to his full height and looks at Soobin. Usually bright dark eyes stare at him, and Soobin’s smile nearly falters at the exasperation being directed onto him from the boy. Soobin flicks his eyes to Taehyun, who’s wide, piercing gaze has the same pique hiding behind it. Hueningkai straightens then, looking first to his youngest hyungs and then turning to Soobin as well. Yeonjun stays quiet, watching the three youngest boys with the same detached calmness as a cat watching young puppies play.

“What’s wrong with taking a break now, Soobin?” Beomgyu asks, his tone defiant. Normally Soobin wouldn’t think twice about Beomgyu dropping honorifics with him, but in their current circumstance and the attitude in his younger’s voice, a flash of anger jolts through Soobin’s body. 

“We need to go over it again,” Soobin says, having to unclench his teeth as he speaks, “and it also helps grow our endurance.”

If Soobin was less stressed, had less work piled on his plate, he would have been able to peacefully end this conversation by coming to an agreement with his members. It’s because of the pressure of his role that Soobin has only had time to bottle up his anxiety and stress rather than release it; so when Soobin feels a pain deep in his chest, he knows that this argument isn’t going to end as well as their previous ones. 

“Why are you being so strict, Hyung?” Hueningkai, sweet Hueningie, adds in, his eyebrows furrowing as he turns his body to face the conflict. 

Suddenly Soobin feels restless. His arms hang limp at his sides and he needs to do something with them, so he runs a shaking hand through his sweaty hair. He feels the judgement and the tension radiating from his groupmates and he _knows_ that they’re all just stressed, that they all love each other and nobody hates him, but there’s a small part of his mind that tells him otherwise. 

_They don’t trust you._

“Because I’m the leader,” Soobin says, ignoring his anxiety-induced thoughts and standing his ground. He hates using his position as an excuse to get the group to listen to him, but he’s desperate enough at the moment to ease the tension before it escalates to something worse. “We don’t have much time before the comeback to perfect the choreography, so we need to use every second we can to improve.”

Beomgyu scoffs, and Soobin’s heart drops. 

_They don’t believe in you as the leader._

“You may be the leader, Hyung, but you’re the only one who needs to perfect the choreography. The rest of us have it down just fine, but you need the extra practice, not us.”

A wave of cold seems to drop over Soobin’s head like ice water. Those words, the words of suppressed truth that were let out into the open, cracked open not only the weak dam holding back his emotions but the encouraging facade he willed so strongly to remain. Those words were a slap in the face, but they were simply a small catalyst in a reaction that’s been coming for weeks now. The effect: his eyes widen, his smile drops, his hands shake violently at his sides. 

_They don’t want you here._

The pain in his chest grows and spreads a cool numbness over his body. His hands feel tingly and his vision turns opaque and the knot in his stomach completely unravels and suddenly it’s hard to _breathe-_

_Not now. Please._

Time slows, but Soobin’s breathing accelerates. As quick as he can he wipes the look of fear from his face and replaces it with one as close to normal as he can make it, and he squeezes his hands into fists to conceal the trembling. The lower half of Soobin’s face quivers, and the only way he can make it stop is by forcing his mouth into a harsh smile.

Soobin can’t tell how long he’s been standing there with the walls closing in on his chest, but there’s no air in his lungs and he knows he’s having an anxiety attack and he needs to _leave_ before his members see because what kind of leader would he be if he let them see him fall apart to the stress?

 _You may be the leader, but are you worthy?_

Soobin feels himself speaking, he feels the words tumble from his lips, but what he said is beyond him. He just turns, deliberately slowly, and walks calmly to the door, his back rimrod straight and sweat sliding down his skin. Soobin doesn’t hear Beomgyu call out “Wait, Hyung!” behind him. He doesn’t see Beomgyu stick out his hand or his wide teary eyes, and he doesn’t see Taehyun’s hand reach out to grasp Beomgyu’s shoulder. He doesn’t see Hueningkai’s frightened look and open mouth, and he doesn’t see the sadness in Yeonjun’s expression. He just searches for the handle until he finds it and steps into the cool and empty hallway. 

Soobin needs to find a bathroom, but he doesn’t know where it is. He needs to find a place to breathe, but he can’t, he can’t _breathe,_ and he doesn’t know where to go. He starts walking, and he keeps walking, but he can’t find a damn bathroom and he doesn’t know how many different hallways he walks down before he turns a corner and slides down the wall, a hand on his chest as if he could rip out his lungs and provide them with air that way.

Sitting on the floor, Soobin inhales and exhales sharply. No matter how many times he sucks in air, there’s no oxygen to smother the fire burning in his chest, and Soobin is afraid he’s going to die. There’s a vague thought in the back of his mind reminding him of breathing techniques that calm anxiety, so he focuses on breathing in— _one, two, three, four, five_ —and back out. Only, it’s not working. 

Lightheaded and trembling, Soobin squeezes his eyes shut. His elbows rest on his bent knees and he drops his head into his hands, the heels of his palms pressing into his temples and his fingers grasping his hair just to feel a semblance of control of his body. It’s been years since Soobin’s been under enough stress to trigger an anxiety attack, and he forgot how hard they are to get through and the toll that state takes on his body. 

Air finds his lungs a little easier, but it’s still not enough. Cotton fills his throat and ears, and even after minutes—or possibly just seconds, he can’t tell—Soobin is still stuck gasping for air. Soobin thanks his lucky stars that the hallways are empty due to BigHit reducing their present staff as a result of the pandemic, because he knows how pathetic he looks and he can’t imagine anyone having seen his meltdown and pitying him. 

Soobin feels rather than sees the presence of a person to his right, and he twists his head toward them quickly out of surprise. His vision refuses to focus, and it takes a moment for his eyes to find their face to discern their identity; even then, the only unique feature that clues him in is a fuzzy contour of pink that automatically causes his heart to slow down a pace. 

“Jjunie,” Soobin whimpers, and if it was anyone other than Yeonjun, _his Yeonjun-hyung,_ his quiet sound of pain would have been reprehensible. 

Soobin’s eyes focus in the breath it takes for Yeonjun to respond, his panicked gaze meeting one of overwhelming concern swirling within a translucent brown. 

“Oh, _Binnie,”_ he whispers. 

At that, Soobin breaks. 

Soobin can’t tell who leans into who first, but suddenly Soobin is being held against Yeonjun’s chest and his hand is fisted into Yeonjun’s black t-shirt. His knee falls on top of his hyung’s as Yeonjun pulls Soobin’s forehead into his collarbone, Soobin inhaling the sweet candy-like smell that only Yeonjun possesses.

“I…I c-can’t….I can't breathe, hyung,” Soobin lets out, and he hates how weak he sounds. But his breathing has actually slowed a little bit compared to before, and the presence of his loving hyung brings him the slightest bit closer to Earth. 

“Soobin,” Yeonjun says, and Soobin clenches his fist tighter with a fluttering heart at the sound of his name stripped of honorifics. “I need you to do what I do, okay Bun? Can you breathe with me?”

Faintly, Soobin nods. 

Yeonjun counts aloud to five, breathing in deeply, and Soobin follows his lead. He then releases it, and Soobin does the same. _Inhale; one, two, three, four, five. Exhale; one, two, three, four, five._ The simplicity of it amazes Soobin, but after a minute of continuous breathing the air is finally finding his lungs and he isn’t suffocating anymore. 

They sit in silence, Soobin’s grip loosening on Yeonjun’s shirt. Soobin turns his face into Yeonjun’s neck and breathes in deeply once again, sighing through his nose as he lets the stable heartbeat of his hyung ground him until he’s no longer shivering. 

“The dongsaengs?” Soobin asks quietly once he’s sure his voice is steady enough to speak. Yeonjun runs a hand gently through Soobin’s hair, his voice even more so when he replies. 

“I ended practice early,” he says, resting his cheek atop Soobins head. “I told them to go eat and stay out of the dorms for a while to let you rest.”

Soobin’s eyelids flutter and his heart swells at the thoughtfulness of his hyung, and he relaxes the slightest bit further into Yeonjun’s lithe body. The older boy allows him for a moment, but then he pulls back and—almost hesitantly, Soobin notices—holds Soobin’s face in his hands. Careful fingers caress his cheeks, and the cool wetness on his skin tells Soobin that he had been crying, though he didn’t even know he was. 

Yeonjun’s gaze is warm and affectionate as he searches the eyes of his younger leader, and Soobin wonders if he can see the guilt in them. “Thank you,” Soobin says, looking down, and Yeonjun stays quiet as if he can sense that Soobin has something else he wants to say. After a moment, Soobin adds quietly, “I’m sorry you had to see me like that.”

“Binnie,” Yeonjun says immediately, nearly startling Soobin despite his soft tone of voice. “You never have to apologize to me, especially for things you can’t control. You know that, right?” 

Hesitantly, Soobin nods. 

There’s another moment of silence before Yeonjun sighs. “Do you remember what you said before you walked out?” he asks, seemingly uncertain if he should be asking the question. Soobin ponders, attempting to remember the words he said, but the conversation comes up blank and he shakes his head. 

“You told us you were sorry you were such a bad leader, and it wasn’t your intention to hold us back,” Yeonjun says, and Soobin can hear the grimace in his voice. Soobin squeezes his eyes shut, but out of embarrassment or dejection he doesn’t know. 

“Soobin-ah, none of us could do what you do,” Yeonjun says, delicately lifting Soobin’s chin so they can face each other. “You work so hard and take care of everything so we don’t have to worry about it, and you do so without ever dropping the smile from your face. You aren’t and could never be a bad leader.” 

Soobin bites his lip as his eyes flick back to Yeonjun’s, and he’s pretty sure he imagined the other boy’s quick glance at his mouth before their eyes find each other again. “We love you, Bun,” he whispers, the nickname that only Yeonjun uses making the blood rise to his cheeks. “None of us think you’re a bad leader and we’d be lost without you. You know that, don’t you?”

Soobin has no choice but to nod within his hyung’s hold, because he _does_ know. Deep down he knows the truth of Yeonjun’s words, so he allows himself to believe them. Satisfied, Yeonjun smiles tenderly and pulls Soobin into a hug, his arms wrapping around the shoulders of the younger boy. Soobin’s arms snake around his torso, finding comfort in the warmth of his hyung’s love. 

The minutes tick by as the boys sit on the floor of the hallway, savoring the comfort they find in each other. Yeonjun’s hand brushes through Soobin’s hair absentmindedly, and Soobin’s eyes fall closed, his exhaustion finally catching up to him. 

Almost as if their minds were connected, Yeonjun says gingerly, “You need to rest, Bun.” Soobin squeezes Yeonjun’s body closer in his arms but nods, allowing Yeonjun to slip out of his grasp and get to his feet. Soobin takes a moment before he too rises, using the wall for balance when his head swims, his lightheadedness returning for a few seconds. Once he’s sure he won’t fall, Soobin notices that Yeonjun’s hand is out and he’s waiting for Soobin to take it. 

Soobin wastes no time in grabbing it and holding it within his own, a feeling of domesticity making his heart pump just a single beat quicker as they walk back to the dorms. Mind foggy for a different reason, Soobin spaces out for the entire walk and doesn’t come back to himself until they’re approaching his bunk and Yeonjun is reluctantly letting go of his hand. 

Shoes slide off his feet and then he’s in bed, lying down and tilting his face toward Yeonjun who leans on the post of his bunk. With Soobin’s gaze on him, Yeonjun moves to slide his own shoes off and then lies down, pulling Soobin’s head to his chest and curling his body around him. It’s easy, and in no time they’re both asleep. 

They wake up a few hours later, both drained from dancing, and head to the kitchen to eat. In the kitchen they’re met with teary-eyed apologies and suffocating hugs from Taehyun, Hueningkai, and especially Beomgyu, and they each make a promise to not let the stress of their comeback affect their family relationship. 

So when Soobin falls into bed again that night, this time at a normal hour, he’s not afraid for the day ahead. His members reminded him that the stress is not only his to bear; he has a group that is fully able and ready to tackle whatever issue arises. 

As he shuts his eyes and falls into a state of peaceful bliss, he tells himself that he has plenty of days left to perfect the choreography, his deadlines are not as close as they seem, and this comeback will be their best one yet.

**Author's Note:**

> Soobin is my king and I thought you should know I'm in love with him. there you go.


End file.
